


Sorry

by feentanz



Series: One Shots [37]
Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, F/M, Post-Break Up, honestly just lots of suffering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:16:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23083081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feentanz/pseuds/feentanz
Summary: “Nikolai,” she said quietly. “Why can’t we go back to how things were before?” Before they had forgotten their place. She didn’t want to look at him and remember his lips against her skin, or the promises he had whispered into her hair. He didn’t turn. At first, she thought he wouldn’t answer. “Because I can’t even look at you,” he said eventually.
Relationships: Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Series: One Shots [37]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/594364
Comments: 3
Kudos: 46





	Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the song "Sorry" by Halsey

> _ Don't realize how mean I can be _
> 
> _ 'Cause I can sometimes treat the people _
> 
> _ That I love like jewelry _
> 
> _ 'Cause I can change my mind each day _
> 
> _ I didn't mean to try you on _

“The Kerch are our best bet here.”   
  
Zoya glanced at Nikolai, irritation flaring up in her mind. “We need the Zemeni. Otherwise, we won’t be able to produce any more of our  _ parem  _ antidote.” 

He didn’t even look at her. “Our first priority is the military right now. We depend on Kerch funding.” He was reading the file in front of him, rather than look at her face. 

Zoya felt the first spark of anger recoiling. “Saving Grisha is more important than war.” 

Next to her, Genya shifted in her seat. 

Nikolai still kept his gaze pinned to the document. “If the Fjerdan’s invade and we don’t have any forces to back us up, saving Grisha will no longer be an issue.” His tone was final, almost cold. There was none of his usual attitude. 

That fact alone was enough to make Zoya’s temper flare-up, a breeze of wind rushing through the room as she failed to compose herself. “We made a decision about this  _ weeks  _ ago. We decided to keep the Zemeni friendly!” 

The sharpness of her voice was enough to finally make him look up. “Things change,” Nikolai replied, still equally diplomatic. He was avoiding her eyes. “The Fjerdan’s are closer to an invasion now.” 

Zoya threw up her hands. “We can’t just  _ abandon  _ all those Grisha who were dosed with  _ jurda parem _ !” 

Nikolai’s jaw was clenched, and he shot her a warning look.  _ Back down, Nazyalensky,  _ he was saying. “We’re not abandoning anyone,” he argued. “We’re choosing the better of two bad options.” 

“You’re choosing it,” Zoya snapped, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “Without any reason.”

A shadow passed across his face, and then Nikolai was standing up. For a second Zoya wondered whether she had truly managed to make him snap, lose his cool temper for once. But when his gaze returned to her, he was as composed as ever. “I’m your king, Zoya. So I decide.” 

He left before Zoya’s temper could flare up again, the storm already tugging at her fingers. She sank back in her chair as the door was slammed shut behind Nikolai, noticing Genya’s eyes on herself. “What did I  _ do? _ ” she snapped, perhaps too sharply. 

Genya looked almost sad. “You really can’t guess?” 

Zoya blinked, guilt immediately replacing the hot anger. She knew what Genya was referring to. “That has nothing to do with anything,” she said regardless. 

Genya pursed her lips, raising an auburn brow. “No? You thought breaking his heart wouldn’t change things?” Now she sounded judgmental. 

Zoya swallowed hard. “I did not break his heart.” 

It had been doomed from the start, anyway. After the fold, after Nikolai’s failed engagement, after defeating the Darkling for the second time, Zoya had desperately needed something to hold onto. That she had ended up in Nikolai’s bed had been a bad way to settle things, but it had helped for a while. It had served as a welcome distraction, for both of them. 

But it could never be. And so she had made the sensible choice and broken it off, for both their sakes. The rumors of an affair were already thick enough, there was no need to fuel them any further. 

Genya was shaking her head in disbelief. “You really are so blind, Zoya. The man is madly in love with you.” 

She tensed at the words, trying to keep the rush of panic down which came with it. “He’s not,” she replied almost automatically, more to herself than to Genya. 

“You don’t notice the way he looks at you?” Genya challenged. 

Zoya turned her face away, hiding her expression. Nikolai would never love her. She was his general, and he was her king, and no matter how they fooled themselves into thinking it could be different, it would never change. She couldn’t give him what he sought. “I’m not what he needs,” was all she told Genya, pushing her chair back and getting to her feet. 

The tailor leaned back in her chair, a knowing smile on her lips. “What makes you so sure?” 

_ oOo _

> _ I run away when things are good _
> 
> _ And never really understood _
> 
> _ The way you laid your eyes on me _
> 
> _ In ways that no one ever could _

It had been great, for a while. 

Zoya woke up next to Nikolai in the morning, curled up against his side, head resting on his shoulder. She shifted slightly, trying to find a more comfortable position, just when his arm slid across her back, wrapping around her waist. 

“Good morning.” 

Zoya struggled to sit up, but Nikolai was holding her pinned against him. “Your Highness,” she warned. “You don’t want to start a fight with me this early in the morning.” 

Nikolai had the audacity to grin, a challenge gleaming in his eyes. “No?” he questioned. “What if I do?” 

Zoya leaned down, lips brushing against his. “Back off,” she repeated. 

Instead, Nikolai’s hands slipped to the back of her neck, brushing her hair out of the way. “No,” he challenged, drawing her closer, catching her lips with his own. 

Actually, they were running out of time. It was almost dawn, and Zoya still had to sneak out of this room, get back to the Little Palace, have a shower, get dressed and get back to the Grand Palace. And if Nikolai kept distracting her, she would be late for her meetings. “Nikolai,” she muttered against his lips, voice laced with warning. 

This time, he released her. 

Zoya pulled away, suddenly fearing the intimacy, slipping to the far end of the bed as she reached for her  _ kefta  _ on the ground, pulling it over her head. She ignored Nikolai’s lingering gaze as she got to her feet, smoothing out her hair, checking whether it was still dark outside. The sun was only just beginning to rise, so there was still enough time to sneak off unnoticed. Hopefully. Otherwise, the gossip about the king having a mistress would only grow thicker. 

She shouldn’t even have stayed the night. She should have left last night, like usual, and not allow herself to linger in this particular comfort for too long. The illusion wasn’t strong enough to survive such a foolish thing. 

“Zoya,” Nikolai suddenly disrupted the silence, and she realized that she was still standing in the middle of the room. 

She quickly turned away, smoothing out the silk of her  _ kefta  _ briefly. “I’ll see you later,” she said without looking at him, hoping to just get out of the situation easily. 

But Nikolai was Nikolai, and so that attempt failed. He had gotten up in the meantime, catching her wrist before she could slip away. “What’s wrong?” 

Zoya tried to pull away from his touch, but it was a half-hearted attempt at most. “If you don’t want a servant to walk in here and know exactly how you’re spending your nights nowadays, let go of me.” Her tone wasn’t nearly as sharp as intended. “And that fact might make finding a wife rather difficult, Your Highness.”   
  
Nikolai dropped her wrist at the mention of his future wife, his eyes suddenly seeming a shade darker. “You really can’t wait to get rid of me, Nazyalensky.” His tone was teasing, but she knew him well enough to not buy the act. 

Zoya huffed weakly in response, shaking her head as she turned towards the door. She didn’t dare to turn around again, and she also didn’t dare to think too much about what had changed between them tonight, or about the way Nikolai’s eyes hadn’t left her even when she had turned around. 

oOo

> _ And so it seems I broke your heart _
> 
> _ My ignorance has struck again _
> 
> _ I failed to see it from the start _
> 
> _ And tore you open 'til the end _

It took two weeks until Zoya couldn’t take it anymore. Two weeks until she gave in, and confronted Nikolai after another meeting which they had spent ignoring each other, or arguing at the most. 

She blocked his way to the door before he could flee, folding her arms as she gave him an expectant look. “Are we ever going to talk about this?” 

Nikolai’s face hardened. “About what?” 

She was tempted to slap him. “We both know what I mean.” 

And they both knew she was avoiding to say it again. It had been hard enough the first time, even for Zoya, who prided herself on the fact that she was able to deliver hard truths. But her voice had shook when she had broken things off, when she had declared it all a big mistake and something which could never happen again. 

It had been equally as hard for her, and so he had no right to be upset with her now. 

For a second Nikolai looked hurt, an unusual expression on him. Then the cool facade was back. “What is there to talk about?” 

Zoya raised her chin. “You refuse to look at me. Or speak to me, for that matter. How are we supposed to work together this way?” She tried to keep her tone professional, matter-of-factly. 

Nikolai flinched at the words, turning away and running a hand through his hair. “Fine,” was all he said, without looking at her. 

She was lost then. She didn’t know what else to do about this, how to fix whatever mess they had made. “Nikolai,” she said quietly. “Why can’t we go back to how things were before?” Before they had forgotten their place. She didn’t want to look at him and remember his lips against her skin, or the promises he had whispered into her hair. 

He didn’t turn. At first, she thought he wouldn’t answer. “Because I can’t even look at you,” he said eventually. 

Zoya felt a wave of cold rushing through her, new panic flaring up.  _ Why did he make it so hard? Why bother pretending?  _ She straightened her back, desperate to keep her armor on. She would not back down. Not like this. “Is your pride so easily hurt, Your Highness?” 

She had tried to goad him, but her words missed its mark. Instead, Nikolai turned, and for the first time since she knew him, there was genuine anger flaring in his eyes. “This has nothing to do with my pride.” His voice was barely controlled. “Not everyone is able to move on like nothing, Nazyalensky.” 

Those words had meant to hurt, and they hit. Zoya was barely able to keep a straight face. She felt the unwelcome sensation of tears at the back of her eyes. “So this is what you’re punishing me for?” she hissed, because anger was easier. Easier than admitting what she really felt. 

Nikolai’s jaw hardened. “I’m not punishing you for anything.” He released a long breath, for a moment giving her a look which was so vulnerable that Zoya struggled to keep herself from giving in. “I’m trying to stay away from you when all I really want is-” He broke off. “You made perfectly clear what you wanted, so I’m respecting your choice.” 

Zoya blinked a tear away from her eyes, wrapping her arms tighter around herself to keep herself from shaking. Genya’s voice echoed through her head.  _ He’s madly in love with you. _

And yet, this was Nikolai. Nikolai, who was light and happy and optimistic and who deserved so much better than a girl with too many sins and mistakes in her past. 

She took a deep breath. Pulling herself together. “Good,” she replied, keeping her voice cold. “Because we can’t rule this country with your current behavior, Your Highness.” She was doing him a favor. Both of them. It could never happen, anyway. 

Nikolai’s expression was pained, and he kept avoiding to look at her. “I wish I had your ruthlessness, Nazyalensky,” was all he said, before turning away completely. 

_Me too,_ she thought. Zoya hurried to leave, blinking away the tears which were building up in her eyes. She hadn’t realized how much she had hurt him. 

She hadn’t allowed herself to think this far. 

oOo

> _ So I'm sorry to my unknown lover _
> 
> _ Sorry that I can't believe _
> 
> _ That anybody ever really _
> 
> _ Starts to fall in love with me _
> 
> _ Sorry to my unknown lover _
> 
> _ Sorry I could be so blind _
> 
> _ Didn't mean to leave you _
> 
> _ And all of the things that we had behind _

Zoya knocked on Nikolai’s door again, impatiently shifting from one foot onto the other. Why wasn’t he here? “Nikolai,” she said through the door, and finally there were steps inside. She sighed when he opened the door. Perhaps they could finally get the correspondence done, then. 

Nikolai appeared in the doorway, and Zoya froze. He had a towel wrapped around his waist and some damp hair had fallen into his face as he shot her a surprised look. She hadn’t visited his chamber in weeks, not since the last time she had stayed the night. Not since she had broken things off right after. 

Nikolai seemed to remember that, too. “What can I do for you?” he asked, voice strangely guarded. 

Zoya held up the file she had brought along. “You need to take a look at this.” 

He hesitated, then stepped away from the door to let her inside. Zoya followed him, trying not to stare at his toned stomach, or anywhere else which wasn’t covered by fabric. She felt like a fool for that alone. She shouldn’t even care. 

Actually she had expected that Nikolai would at least go and change into something more than a towel, but he only took the file from her and started reading. He must really hate her. Zoya turned half away, arms crossed, pressing her lips together. 

The tension in the air was unbearable. 

At last, Nikolai closed the file. “Write to the First Army stations near the border. Tell them I want patrols doubled.” 

Zoya frowned. “You should write them yourself. To make sure they actually take the orders seriously.” The First Army commanders didn’t exactly like getting their orders from Zoya, and she had corresponded too much with them in the last months. 

Nikolai was grinding his teeth, avoiding looking at her directly. “Write to them,” he replied. “They have as much reason to follow your orders as they have to follow mine.” 

Zoya stilled, suddenly surprised. She hadn’t exactly expected him to defend her. Another wave of guilt hit her. “Nikolai,” she said quietly before she could stop herself. All she wanted was for things to go back to how they were. She wanted him to stop hating her. 

But he didn’t allow her to go on. “Don’t,” Nikolai muttered, handing the file back to her. “It’s fine.”   
  
But it wasn’t. Not really. Zoya took a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” she actually offered. She didn’t usually apologize, couldn’t remember the last time she had, but she felt like she owed this to Nikolai. 

He let out a long breath, lifting his head. “You don’t have to apologize for not feeling the same way as I do.” 

Zoya froze. She needed a moment to process the words. “What?” she said before she could stop herself. She remembered Genya’s words from long ago.  _ The man is madly in love with you.  _

Nikolai huffed. “Are you trying to be cruel, Nazyalensky?” 

She actually wasn’t. She just refused to believe that Nikolai - out of all people - could feel anything for her. “I should go,” Zoya muttered, already turning. 

But she wasn’t fast enough. Nikolai caught her wrist, gently holding her back. 

Zoya felt her skin exploding under the touch. She had avoided getting too close to him for weeks now, and the sudden touch was enough to entirely throw her off balance. Before she could pull away he was in front of her, blocking the way to the door, and Zoya felt her breathing growing uneven as Nikolai drew her closer. She couldn’t resist. She couldn’t do anything. 

Nikolai’s lips grazed the shell of her ear, barely more than the ghost of a touch. Like he was trying to hold back. “Tell me to stop,” he whispered hoarsely, his breath caressing her skin. “Tell me to stop, otherwise I can’t.” 

Zoya felt like falling. She felt her lashes fluttering as Nikolai’s thumb circled along the skin of her wrist, the touch enough to make her entire self-control shatter.  _ This  _ was why she had been avoiding him. Why she had been so careful to guard her heart. 

But she didn’t want him to stop. 

Instead, she looked up, daring to meet his eyes. Zoya’s heart missed a beat as Nikolai’s fingers brushed along her neck, then over her cheek.  _ Tell me to stop.  _ She couldn’t. She wouldn’t. 

Nikolai’s lips met hers with the force of all the frustration from the last weeks, and then she was drowning, clinging to him to stay over water. Zoya wrapped her arms around his neck, opening her lips under his as his tongue flicked against hers. She lost all rational thinking. For a moment, the rest of the world didn’t matter. 

And yet it wasn’t forever. Zoya suddenly pulled back, remembering all her reasons. All her doubts. Also that he wasn’t wearing much more than a towel. She could feel the warmth of his skin everywhere. 

Nikolai’s face was still close, searching her expression. “You really don’t want to make this easy for me, do you?” he muttered, and then dropped his hands. His face was guarded again, distant. 

Zoya wanted nothing more than to be back in his arms. She didn’t know what she was doing anymore. She tried to find the right words, but nothing came to mind. 

Nikolai didn’t take his eyes off her. “Tell me you didn’t feel anything just now.” His voice was almost desperate. 

Zoya was staring at him. Her voice had left her. 

Nikolai exhaled in response, then moved closer again. His hands found her face, lifting her chin. “Don’t pull away from me,” he whispered, his warm breath grazing over her lips. But he wasn't moving closer. He was waiting for her to make a move. 

Zoya caught his lips with her own, feeling Nikolai’s fingers bury themselves in her hair. 

It was barely a kiss before he pulled away, brushing some hair away from her face. Nikolai took a shaky breath. “I love you. I don’t think you even realize, but I do.” His lips brushed over hers. 

Zoya’s heart missed a beat.  _ He wasn’t serious. He couldn’t be.  _ She couldn’t give him what he wanted. “Nikolai-” 

“Stop fighting me, Nazyalensky.” His tone was more serious now. “I mean it.”

She wondered if she was just a terrible actress, or if he truly managed to see through every single one of her acts. Zoya gave up her resistance, leaning her head against Nikolai’s chest. She couldn’t look him in the eyes. Apologizing didn’t come naturally to her, and it was even harder with his eyes on her. “I’m sorry,” she muttered against his skin. 

Not just for today. For everything else. 

For every time she had been too blind to see the truth. 

Nikolai placed a kiss against her hair, then rested his chin on top of her head. “Did Zoya Nazyalensky just apologize? Twice?” 

“Shut up.”

She could feel his grin even without looking at him. “I assume that won’t ever happen again.” 

Zoya rolled her eyes, but didn’t break free from the embrace. She could hear Nikolai’s heartbeat, matching her own. “What do we do now?” she said quietly, afraid that if she spoke too loud, the fragile intimacy might be broken. 

“What we always do,” Nikolai murmured against her hair. “We keep each other marching.” 


End file.
